No stitches, just platelets and will power
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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