so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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