I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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