I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
