My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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