I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
