Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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