so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
