Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Randomize
