How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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