I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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