I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
