"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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