forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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