Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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