I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
