i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
