There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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