Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
