I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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