P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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