if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
