Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
