P.S. I can't hear my feet
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Is it penis luge time yet?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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