so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize