just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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