Dude my mom stole all your condoms
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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