i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize