I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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