Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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