please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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