The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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