My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
