u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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