There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize