Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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