I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
