I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
