The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
