3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
