Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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