He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
