it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
