This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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