Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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