He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
