In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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