Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
