Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
