I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
