I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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