so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
