I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
