My cat gives me a boner
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
