I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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