I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
