i was born a porn star she said
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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