I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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