WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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