Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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