are you so shy because you have an std?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
even my farts smell like vagina
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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