im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
