also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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