New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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